Fickle Fandangle

Decision making

2009-04-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

So, recent projects I've been involved with, reflections on my marriage, and some other crap that I read somewhere, have led me to an interesting conclusion - I think decision making is a kind of vulnerability.

What got me thinking about this was the time that someone suggested that one of those irritating "where do you want to eat" exchanges was a power struggle. You know, those times when you're trying to figure out what you want for dinner, and neither person is going to decide, and all anyone is throwing out are places they don't want to go? Ultimately, this isn't a case of two individuals being the image of selflessness. What's really going on is that we're trying to force the other to step out and make a call. For some reason we don't want to make that call ourselves. I don't want to pick a place and then find out Kim hates it, I don't want to decide something and drive across town just to find that a location is closed. I don't want anything to be my fault, and neither does she, so we argue.

This seems petty, right? It is. We haven't been wasting nearly as much time on this lately (largely because we don't go out much lately) but I think I've been learning some things about it and cutting through the process as a result.

This relates to creativity in the sense that we must make a huge array of judgment calls when we create anything at all, so this phenomenon is multiplied accordingly. It's hard to put a song or art piece forward because there's every possibility that someone is going to hate the placement of a bridge or find that your selection of imagery is too gimmicky. But this vulnerability is really enabling in the long run, because every step I've taken to push forward in full anticipation of criticism has made me more confident and assured in the process of action itself.

The death of possibility...

2009-03-06T19:51:00.000-08:00

The great blessing of life is the existence of the possible. Every day, year, and decade that lies in the future holds untold promise. The promise of people met, things experienced, goals accomplished, life made better.

The great tragedy of life is the periodic, indefatigable onward march of time. As each single moment slips from our grasp, the infinite possibility therein dies with it. It is written, unchangeable, for the rest of forever. And the greatest past is still finite and unchangeable. It can't begin to compare to the potential of our boundless future moments.

The great conflict in life is how to spend each of those moments. They are precious, so precious. We can't keep them, we can't get them back, and we can't slow their passing.

So do we live in constant pressure to maximize the experience of every second that comes and goes so quickly? Do we enjoy each moment as much as possible? Do we avoid unpleasant moments at all costs?

I think the biggest injustice we do to the blessed gift of our existence is to spend moments in insignificance. Buried in those things that seem to consume life without giving anything in return. Those times we waste vegetating, or the times we sacrifice to indecision. Those times when we travel an apathetic path that we haven't embraced, but remain on because our inertia keeps us there.

When the twilight draws near and the moments left to us are less than those behind us, what will matter? When our priceless existence is over, what will we have? Each experience, each mental image ultimately will count for next to nothing. But even if it is for naught in the end, what else can we hold on to? Do we live a life of desperate struggle with the onslaught of time, wringing every last bit of experience and possibility from every instant? That person doesn't lay down and let the cold waters of life pass him by. This person fights an impossible, thrashing fight against the current, with a fate of death at best, to the bitter incredulity of onlookers and critics. The endless labor and constant energy do nothing but make the journey more exciting, as the reward is still an eventual slide into silent obscurity.

There is beauty in the serene life, the willful acceptance of time's unfeeling consumption of our hopes. The rock that is worn smooth shows how the promise of the jagged shape has been molded and restrained, so that every struggle is easier than the last, less notable, less complex, until even the little resistance still offered vanishes away into pure nothingness and slips away into the passing stream.

Which way to choose? For me, the regret of lost opportunity stings worse than the regret of hasty action. Maybe that's because I am biased to be risk-averse and conservative, and sabotage my experience because of it. Any thoughts to the contrary?

Science and Interpretation

2009-03-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

It is a blessing to have studied both literature (art) and science (nature). For, I posit that just as we try to glean details about Coleridge, Shakespeare, or Camus based on their work, we can similarly glean such details about our creator through creation. Not in a specific sense - we don't really hope to find the birth date or eye color of an artist by studying their art - but in a much more abstract yet intimate way. What did the artist find inspiring? What feelings led them to choose the medium and style of a piece? How did their creative process shape and mold the final work, and what part of the artist is now encapsulated in that work?

This is where I am with God. I seek to know him, but I honestly care little for specifics. I don't want to know the details. I want to grow intimately familiar with the essence. Sure, that sounds new-age experimental and dangerous, but honestly I think otherwise we are in earnest danger of missing the forest entirely for all our obsession over each tree. We need to step back. Way back.

On Hell

2009-01-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

Here's an interesting what-if...

What if Hell is a choice? Like, we stay there if we continue to embrace our sin, but then jet out of there as soon as we get over it?

This has some interesting parallels with life here. It's generally believed that doing good stuff is ultimately rewarding, whereas being bad might seem fun but ends up sucking. Yet people continue to do bad. Obviously, we've got some learning issues to contend with as a species. Or, all of us goody-goodies really need to get out more and see what it's really about.

But, there are some really elegant things about this viewpoint. It resolves why some people end up there - they just won't leave! We don't have to blame God for that. And as well, the unpleasantness they're dealing with is just part of the package.

Also, if it sounds absurd, there are a million examples of people choosing misery over and over, when freedom is right across the hall. Abuse victims, addicts, and Cubs fans just for starters.

There's a well-known technique for catching raccoons (which also works on monkeys and small children I'm told) where you place something shiny in a hole with an opening just large enough to get your hand in. The victim grabs the bauble and, because the full fist is larger than the unladen appendage, the hand becomes trapped. Being unwilling to let go, the unfortunate creature remains in this state indefinitely.

There's also a depressingly cruel experiment from back when such things were fashionable where a small, cuddly animal was placed in a cage with an electrified floor. When it was turned on, the experimentee would try to escape for some time, but would eventually accept the hopeless fate it was given and just accept the pain. Where it gets really heinous is when the researchers opened the cage - after learning once that escape was impossible, the test subject wouldn't try any more even with easy escape possible.

So, I didn't include that anecdote just because I was too happy and really needed a downer, but instead to make the point that we often choose the more painful way, because it's familiar, because we think we deserve it, because we think we can't do any better, or because we think there's a perk that makes it worth it. Maybe if we don't go to heaven, it isn't because we can't, but because we won't.

On Time

2009-01-24T21:37:00.000-08:00

I think our approach to eternity is way off.

The afterlife gets so much damned mindshare with Christians and religious-types in general, and I don't see any good reason that it should be so. This happens largely because words like "forever" and "everlasting" are thrown about rather liberally in the Bible and a good chunk of other religious literature.

However, how do we use these words today? I would argue that almost every time we encounter them they are used for gross exaggeration of one kind or another, mostly as a habit of language, and often to emphasize a point. When you say you waited forever at the DMV, people KNOW that you weren't actually stuck in an infinite time loop with a ticket number that never got called (this is a good spot to shamelessly plug my next post - On Hell).

Why should we think it was any different in Biblical times? Exaggeration is so well-known that they've coined a term for it - rabbinical hyperbole. Teachers regularly used extreme examples to drive home a symbolic point.

I find it interesting to read statements about everlasting reward for the righteous and eternal suffering for the wicked as descriptive facts on the nature of righteousness and wickedness. This also makes more sense as a discussion topic for Jesus, rather than figuring that he was just crazy obsessed with death and wanted to give us the low-down on the next few eons.

Here's my plan: next time I read a passage that talks about infinite life, rather than thinking about sitting around in some quasi-physical state just being alive pretty much indefinitely, I'm going to think that the passage is saying that you get "life, every time". Reminds me of Sex Panther - 75% of the time, it works every time. Made with real bits of panther.

The Wounds we Choose

2008-06-08T13:25:00.001-07:00

Back from a long hiatus - I started reading A Generous Orthodoxy by McLaren again, and it puts me in the mood to rant. It is one of the few books I've read that I feel unable to rush through. I put the book down a few times every chapter to absorb what he's saying - it is so far removed from anything anyone's ever said in my Christian upbringing, yet the book has so much truth, that I have to take it slow to avoid turning that blind see-what-I-want eye to his words.

Anyways, I had an interesting realization recently in a conversation I was having - we are quick to be rude to people when they won't ever know, we are quick to cut down in little ways that can be veiled as a joke, but often (at least in my family) it is utterly wrong to have a true disagreement.

I'm so frustrated by this, because I feel like the things that are harmful we allow, and the things that let us really be ourselves and be comfortable and honest with each other are quenched.

A commenter on a blog I frequent said that a forum is properly moderated if everything is allowed except impoliteness. I have to say that sounds true, and often we behave the exact opposite. Polite disagreement is an intrinsic part of authentic connection, while I think rudeness, things like talking about someone behind their back, shunning a waiter, doing little things that tilt convenience slightly in our favor at the expense of someone else - all of these are quite accepted.

It's backwards. I hope to have a happy disagreement with some people in the near future. I hope I learn to do it politely and in a way that allows more honesty, and doesn't make anybody feel devalued. Also, I hope to make a bigger point of going out of my way so other people don't have to, and having a general attitude of valuing others more.

Creativism

2008-02-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

I think that creating is an intrinsic part of spirituality.

The verse "faith without works is dead" always threw me for a loop, especially when I would debate my Mormon counterparts when I was an idealistic evangelical teen.

However, replace "works" with "creating", and I have to agree.

Spectator faith is dead faith. We must be creating: relationships, pictures, paintings, music, laughter, peace, bacon, sanctuary, welcome, homes, prosperity, innovation, curiosity, success.

As I type, I am thinking of different people who create these things in their everyday lives, and as a true offering of the heart.

There is no way to be a healthy and functioning individual without pouring yourself into something inherently creative.

Creativity is central to the realness of what happens at Atlas, and I'm determined to continue exploring this "Christian Creativism", because there is something true in there that I haven't ever seen before.

Guilt

2008-02-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

So, I have labored for a while under the belief that guilt is basically evil. In the sense that guilt is a feeling. See, guilt is this kind of weird thing that isn't all that well defined - it is really a status, in the guilty or not-guilty kind of way, but we somehow associate it with an emotion as well.

Guilt has caused me no end of difficulty in the past, and I think I'm starting to see why - not because guilt is a feeling we shouldn't feel. There are appropriate and even good times to feel guilt.

The problem is with
1. the expectation society, relatives, friends, or ideologies create to feel guilt at a certain time, or in a certain way.
2. the utilization of guilt to control - ourselves, our relatives, a people group, an organization...

I think both of these things are an abuse of an otherwise healthy feeling. I think hypocrisy often is born from a habit to try to make ourselves feel guilty when we really don't. We do that because we think we are abnormal or screwed up if we don't feel guilty about something, and we do that because we think if we just make ourselves feel terrible enough, we will stop wanting what we think we shouldn't want.

Let's just stop that. It only causes problems.

Sometimes I just don't like myself

2008-02-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why, but sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling that I cause more damage than good in every situation I'm part of.

Sometimes I have an earnest desire to just live completely alone (like hermit in the woods alone) so I avoid all this tangled mess of connection and feelings.

It seems like the "battle between grace and pride" always leaves me feeling worthless, or looking down on someone else. Then, I realize what an asshat I was being, and again I feel like a worthless piece.

All paths lead towards self-loathing.

The odd thing is that for the first time in a long time I don't feel bad because I think I should. In fact, my guilt is completely non-ideological - it's a first for me. I don't have to work it up. I have to tread carefully here, or I'm going to get proud of myself for feeling genuinely guilty about something, and then start the crap-flinging cycle again.

Maybe this is the inevitable consequence of getting out of the hypocritical, self-reinforcing legalism I've been in. I pray with humility that I've stopped being "Christian" long enough to start being human again.

I'm glad I have no readership to falsely inflate my self-value. There's something so pleasant about typing into a void that is universally accessible but completely ignored.
It's like having a resounding "no" to your questions of "does anyone care?" You can confess to the world and keep a secret diary all in one. I'm shouting into a crowded street of people who don't give a damn.

Jeezus pwns n00bs

2008-01-29T20:59:00.001-08:00

So, I was checking out a Switchfoot music video (the main guy plays what has now become the new object of my desire - the Gretsch BST1500 "Beast" electric guitar - only made from 79-80) and one of the comments cracked me up - not the "FAH KING OR SUM" one (although I won't deny my juvenile chuckle) but the "Christianity owns newbs in every aspect apart from music" that absolutely must be read in a Napoleon Dynamite voice.

It's pretty hilarious to see the intersection of 1337-sp34k and Jesus... or is that j33z0rz, nubcake?

Music and Math

2008-01-27T22:21:00.000-08:00

Everybody knows that music and math are related, right? It's supposed to help kid's brains or some junk.

In all honesty, though, I think it is really interesting that there is a relationship, and maybe even more interesting to think about the other ways that music and math are related. Of course, I have no research to back this up, but I find it immensely intriguing that music is one of the few cultural universals - I've never known anybody to be confused when explaining that a major key is a "happy song" and a minor key is a "sad song". I've never heard anybody ask - "Is this song the happy kind, or the sad kind?" You can just tell. It doesn't have anything to do with the lyrics, it doesn't have anything to do with operant conditioning, it merely has to do with an intuitive association of a sound with an emotion.

Isn't that odd? I suppose it could be taken as some weird evolutionary artifact of intelligence, but still it is strange that it manifests itself consistently across the gene pool. Also, human beings typically have the ability to produce only 1 tone at a time, so it is unlikely that the specific interval between notes - (and it has to be 3 notes to hear the difference between happy and sad, otherwise you don't have enough of a frame of reference to tell what key you're in) - was some kind of primitive communication method. Especially because not everybody can sing well enough to produce a reliable differentiation between notes.

That would leave us a society where a few talented arbiters worked in cooperation to send a harmonic message of distress or safety to the always detecting but not always producing population, and honestly, it seems far fetched that such a mechanism would develop when our voices aren't really all that well equipped for sending messages long distances.

In a similar but contrasting vein, it is absolutely mindboggling how math has a universal, precise, and very significant relation to the real world. I don't know how anybody can fail to be fascinated at the fact that Pi, the ratio of the circumference of a circle to the radius, gives us a number with so many non-repeating decimal points that our computers still haven't found the end. Isn't that astounding? Astronomers and scientists recognize these patterns as so unique, so fundamentally interesting, that they are considered the one thing we can count on any technological society to recognize, no matter how alien and different. Realizing these beautiful and fascinating anomalies in the universe is a simple eventual consequence of intelligence and civilization.

I guess my point is this: Math and music are closely tied to each other in terms of aptitude and brain development. And I would argue that they stand as two of the only fundamental universals known to man. Almost anything can be argued, but there is remarkable and undeniable consistency in these two specific areas, and I think it is significant that the most universal of subjects are so intrinsically related.

Greeley is Inevitable

2008-01-17T08:56:00.001-08:00

As I've always thought, free will is little more than a persistent illusion. Turn, or keep going, it doesn't matter either way.

That is illogical

2008-01-17T07:44:00.000-08:00

Why is it that emotions have such a profound impact on us?

My entire perspective on life can be changed by a little bit of food sometimes. I'll get cranky because I'm hungry, and I'll decide I hate my job and that I'm a failure at everything and that I have no friends. Then, I eat a cracker, and Life is Good.

Really, though, isn't that disturbing? We make massive, drastic decisions all the time, and occasionally a decision that seems totally logical and thought out at the time seems like a spurt of whimsy the next morning. Maybe self-awareness is an illusion or a construct like a kiddy steering wheel mounted to the back of the seat of reality so our subconscious can take the wheel and have some peace and quiet during our easy distraction.

Maybe the Vulcan way - total mastery of emotions - is the answer. How can I be sure of anything if my logic amounts to little more than rationalization of my moment-to-moment partiality? Seems like maybe the hedonist takes the easy (and probably more realistic and honest) route, while the rest of us our just kidding ourselves. I tend to take the indecision route - I'm not sure about anything, and maybe if I change my mind often enough I'll convince myself that I'm really steering this boondoggle.

Glasses are like bling for librarians

2008-01-15T16:53:00.000-08:00

I broke my glasses right down the middle a little while back, but nerd that I am, I still couldn't bring myself to walk around with taped glasses on. It could be pretty sweet I guess, but I still felt like I needed to get some new, nice ones, at least for when I am around friends and loved ones that have to be seen with me.

I got some major cheapos at America's Best, two for $70 about, and that included an eye exam. Pretty much a steal. I got a copy of my prescription, too, so if I want to order online some time I can - seems that glasses are like everything else online - cheaper, if you can wait a little while and are willing to take a gamble by not trying it out first in meatspace.

Anyways, once I got them, I went for one of my regular library trips, and realized that I felt way more hip in the library when I was sporting my new specs. Pretty much every person that works there wears glasses, and I bet the ones who don't either conform or leave, due to that brutal librarian hazing I hear so much about.

Isians Unite

2008-01-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

So, talking with some good friends of mine the other night, I found out that in Islam scriptures, Jesus is known as Isa.[ee-suh] I guess when talking to many Muslims, they have some associations with the word "Christian" that are totally tied in to American culture, rather than the ideals that many of us think are more representative of the term. This "Jesus" we carry on about bears little resemblance to the prophet in their scripture. Using a common term brings a lot of meaning to an otherwise alien concept.

It's no surprise really, because although we arguably export more of our culture than any other nation, the vast majority of that is MTV and Britney-Spearsified. If all you knew about America came from our media, it would seem like a pretty crazy place. Just like the media tells us Africa is inhabited mainly by starving children and lions, America is a land overrun by witty metrosexuals and half-naked wrestling stars beating on each other with folding chairs. Land of the free and home of the brave, indeed.

I wonder though - even our own culture has such strong associations with Christians, that it seems like it could be helpful to refer to ourselves differently. What if we called ourselves Isians? Now, "Christian", by Webster's definition, means "one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ", and most individuals associating themselves thus wouldn't take issue with that broad definition. However, in the eye of the general public, and I'm guessing a lot of the world, Christian means something else entirely - hypocrite, or greasy televangelist, or combative conservative, or clueless zealot.

We have made up all sorts of new words to define old things - blog, podcast, sneakernet - all of which could be described as well, and in some cases more easily, by old terminology. But, they make conversation more specific in a way, and lend a hand to distinguishing between the old and the new. Maybe the distinction is actually in perspective - the terminology communicates the view from which the speaker is approaching the world. Hell, Christians are known by their detractors as bible-thumpers, and by themselves as believers, so why can't we make up our own damn terminology when we don't want to fit in either camp.

Of course, the readiness with which our culture puts a new name on an old product is criticized by many, and rightly so, but there is sometimes value in finding a way to more quickly and accurately describe otherwise confusing topics. What name would be best to describe one of those folks who reject the conventions of mainstream Christianity, yet follows the teachings of Jesus?

Update - In one book I'm reading, the author uses the term post-denominational. That's right, post-denominational. This isn't your dad's anti-denominational denomination. This is hip, this is trendy, this is cutting-effing-edge, b!%@#*$. Ok, I like it. I'm a sucker for buzzwords.

Sometimes I like to sabotage my own text messages.

2008-01-12T16:41:00.000-08:00

Human impotence

2008-01-10T15:55:00.001-08:00

Humans are impotent. We aren't all that capable. Isolate a man from his tools and companions and he is one of the more useless creatures on this planet.

A lot of pastimes seem to be an attempt to escape from our inability. If I can take a beautiful picture, it will make up for the mundane, redundant patterns of being alive, and the stale perspectives I hold on to every day. If I can play a moving song, it makes it seem like there's something inside more significant and interesting than what I actually feel. We dress ourselves up in our accomplishments and abilities, trying to hide that naked awkward thing that cowers in the corner, uncertain and afraid.

I have this expectation of my life, of my relationships, of my identity, to stand alone apart from accomplishment, beauty, and the fog of distraction. I want to see every aspect of my existence propped up to see - utterly apart, without any pretense of significance, with no elegant display to convey worth - if there is value, I want it to be truly, intrinsically present. It doesn't matter what there is or how much of it, but I want to know that I am more than a construct of meaningless input and wasted effort. I want to know what I am. What is the thing that we call "I"? Is it even there if you remove everything that "I" is not?

The Holy Bible: LBT (Lolcats Bible Translation)

2008-01-09T11:51:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across lolcats the other day - it's one of those internet phenomena like all your base and countless others.
What particularly caught my attention was the bible translation project. It is set up like a wiki. People just login and translate a chunk whenever they want to, and subsequent readers correct and perfect where necessary.

I have no doubt that this will really piss some people off. The project includes acronyms like WTF and OMG which probably irks the more conservative of folks. It does treat the bible with a certain irreverence. There's a time in my life when it would've pissed me off. But I don't think that the goal of the project is to offend. Lolcats enthusiasts seem to be a pretty jovial and welcoming group, generally, and it seems like the project is good natured.
Pick out a couple of passages just to see. A lot of the more prevalent ones have been translated. It is really pretty impressive. It was fun to see a few of them, and it actually had me reading for a while just because I was so amused by how they interpreted different parts. Take 1 Corinthians 4:20, for example: usually written "The kingdom of God is not a matter of talk, but of power". I always liked the anti-bureaucrat message in that verse (probably just my youthful anarchistic slant, but still). Lolcats writes it "Teh kingdm of God iz less talk, more rokk."

I think there's more than a few lessons in Lolcats. The wiki-style bible is simply a cool idea. It could be applied more seriously(or more humorously) to different translations with different goals. It would potentially reflect a greater public consensus of interpretation than has ever been possible. It would easily maintain current and relevant language. And it would be an awesome collaborative project. I'm sure there's room for this outside of bible translation, too, it is just waiting to be discovered.

Want causes problems.

2008-01-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

So, I guess some pretty smart guys that were around a while ago decided that the root of all evil was want. Seems to make sense, right? A lot of things we all agree on as bad are associated with want - theft, for starters.

These guys were either less filled with advertisement and propaganda than our average consumer nowadays, or they were just smarter, because they decided that the solution to want was not ownership of everything, but rather the eradication of desire. Seems a lot easier than trying to keep up with the Joneses, and more importantly it won't bring the credit vikings down on your defenseless homestead. I see the critical difference in the achievability of goals - I am more optimistic about my ability to stop coveting stuff than I am about my meager chances at winning the lottery.

There are all sorts of tricky questions, though, which I'm sure these learn-ed dudes have already thought out - what about wanting good things? Like wanting to finish college, provide for your family, have a fairer world. Do we really improve anything if we try to get rid of those ambitions? Maybe we have to create another category for the more noble cravings, but in my mind a lot of my desires get emotionally confused and it isn't always so easy to honestly categorize them that way.

Some wants are really damn persuasive too. Experience has shown me that things I think are just natural or intrinsic parts of my identity are really just emotionally motivated timesinks that crop up when I'm stressed or pissed off or whatever.

I guess a good compass is the effect of our wants on the people around us. Generally, the "bad" wants that I give in to have a negative impact on my relationships and friendships. Some, on the other hand, either have positive or negligible effect. It can be hard to tell, still. And I also know about situations where we can get too caught up in just trying to make everybody happy, and that is as bad or worse.

I love to hate these questions. The ascetic > The rockstar. I can't say a whole lot beyond that.

Questions in Christianity

2008-01-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

I find great joy in asking questions. Questions that are deep, questions that are pointless, and questions that I already know the answers to. There's something sacred and beautiful about curiosity.

I guess I want to write out my questions, because I feel like they are good sometimes and hopefully interesting, but even if they aren't at least it seems more productive to get them out here on the wild frontier of the internets than it is to keep them corralled in my head.

It bothers me when people aren't comfortable with questions or with disagreement. It's difficult to find people and environments where honest debate is welcome, though. The few such environments that I have been in are vibrant, living examples of freedom - in a relational, intellectual way. In these places, there is an earnest curiosity and humility, a sense that we don't really have it figured out, and that hopefully through collective musing and brainstorming something will come about that is better than what was before. I like it.

I really hope to see more of this in Christian circles. It is good for people to challenge tradition, authority, and each other. It feels good, and I think it is much less dangerous than the alternative.