Creativism

I think that creating is an intrinsic part of spirituality.

The verse "faith without works is dead" always threw me for a loop, especially when I would debate my Mormon counterparts when I was an idealistic evangelical teen.

However, replace "works" with "creating", and I have to agree.

Spectator faith is dead faith. We must be creating: relationships, pictures, paintings, music, laughter, peace, bacon, sanctuary, welcome, homes, prosperity, innovation, curiosity, success.

As I type, I am thinking of different people who create these things in their everyday lives, and as a true offering of the heart.

There is no way to be a healthy and functioning individual without pouring yourself into something inherently creative.

Creativity is central to the realness of what happens at Atlas, and I'm determined to continue exploring this "Christian Creativism", because there is something true in there that I haven't ever seen before.

Guilt

So, I have labored for a while under the belief that guilt is basically evil. In the sense that guilt is a feeling. See, guilt is this kind of weird thing that isn't all that well defined - it is really a status, in the guilty or not-guilty kind of way, but we somehow associate it with an emotion as well.

Guilt has caused me no end of difficulty in the past, and I think I'm starting to see why - not because guilt is a feeling we shouldn't feel. There are appropriate and even good times to feel guilt.

The problem is with
1. the expectation society, relatives, friends, or ideologies create to feel guilt at a certain time, or in a certain way.
2. the utilization of guilt to control - ourselves, our relatives, a people group, an organization...

I think both of these things are an abuse of an otherwise healthy feeling. I think hypocrisy often is born from a habit to try to make ourselves feel guilty when we really don't. We do that because we think we are abnormal or screwed up if we don't feel guilty about something, and we do that because we think if we just make ourselves feel terrible enough, we will stop wanting what we think we shouldn't want.

Let's just stop that. It only causes problems.

Sometimes I just don't like myself

I'm not sure why, but sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling that I cause more damage than good in every situation I'm part of.

Sometimes I have an earnest desire to just live completely alone (like hermit in the woods alone) so I avoid all this tangled mess of connection and feelings.

It seems like the "battle between grace and pride" always leaves me feeling worthless, or looking down on someone else. Then, I realize what an asshat I was being, and again I feel like a worthless piece.

All paths lead towards self-loathing.

The odd thing is that for the first time in a long time I don't feel bad because I think I should. In fact, my guilt is completely non-ideological - it's a first for me. I don't have to work it up. I have to tread carefully here, or I'm going to get proud of myself for feeling genuinely guilty about something, and then start the crap-flinging cycle again.

Maybe this is the inevitable consequence of getting out of the hypocritical, self-reinforcing legalism I've been in. I pray with humility that I've stopped being "Christian" long enough to start being human again.

I'm glad I have no readership to falsely inflate my self-value. There's something so pleasant about typing into a void that is universally accessible but completely ignored.
It's like having a resounding "no" to your questions of "does anyone care?" You can confess to the world and keep a secret diary all in one. I'm shouting into a crowded street of people who don't give a damn.