Guilt

So, I have labored for a while under the belief that guilt is basically evil. In the sense that guilt is a feeling. See, guilt is this kind of weird thing that isn't all that well defined - it is really a status, in the guilty or not-guilty kind of way, but we somehow associate it with an emotion as well.

Guilt has caused me no end of difficulty in the past, and I think I'm starting to see why - not because guilt is a feeling we shouldn't feel. There are appropriate and even good times to feel guilt.

The problem is with
1. the expectation society, relatives, friends, or ideologies create to feel guilt at a certain time, or in a certain way.
2. the utilization of guilt to control - ourselves, our relatives, a people group, an organization...

I think both of these things are an abuse of an otherwise healthy feeling. I think hypocrisy often is born from a habit to try to make ourselves feel guilty when we really don't. We do that because we think we are abnormal or screwed up if we don't feel guilty about something, and we do that because we think if we just make ourselves feel terrible enough, we will stop wanting what we think we shouldn't want.

Let's just stop that. It only causes problems.

Sometimes I just don't like myself

I'm not sure why, but sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling that I cause more damage than good in every situation I'm part of.

Sometimes I have an earnest desire to just live completely alone (like hermit in the woods alone) so I avoid all this tangled mess of connection and feelings.

It seems like the "battle between grace and pride" always leaves me feeling worthless, or looking down on someone else. Then, I realize what an asshat I was being, and again I feel like a worthless piece.

All paths lead towards self-loathing.

The odd thing is that for the first time in a long time I don't feel bad because I think I should. In fact, my guilt is completely non-ideological - it's a first for me. I don't have to work it up. I have to tread carefully here, or I'm going to get proud of myself for feeling genuinely guilty about something, and then start the crap-flinging cycle again.

Maybe this is the inevitable consequence of getting out of the hypocritical, self-reinforcing legalism I've been in. I pray with humility that I've stopped being "Christian" long enough to start being human again.

I'm glad I have no readership to falsely inflate my self-value. There's something so pleasant about typing into a void that is universally accessible but completely ignored.
It's like having a resounding "no" to your questions of "does anyone care?" You can confess to the world and keep a secret diary all in one. I'm shouting into a crowded street of people who don't give a damn.

Jeezus pwns n00bs

So, I was checking out a Switchfoot music video (the main guy plays what has now become the new object of my desire - the Gretsch BST1500 "Beast" electric guitar - only made from 79-80) and one of the comments cracked me up - not the "FAH KING OR SUM" one (although I won't deny my juvenile chuckle) but the "Christianity owns newbs in every aspect apart from music" that absolutely must be read in a Napoleon Dynamite voice.

It's pretty hilarious to see the intersection of 1337-sp34k and Jesus... or is that j33z0rz, nubcake?

Music and Math

Everybody knows that music and math are related, right? It's supposed to help kid's brains or some junk.

In all honesty, though, I think it is really interesting that there is a relationship, and maybe even more interesting to think about the other ways that music and math are related. Of course, I have no research to back this up, but I find it immensely intriguing that music is one of the few cultural universals - I've never known anybody to be confused when explaining that a major key is a "happy song" and a minor key is a "sad song". I've never heard anybody ask - "Is this song the happy kind, or the sad kind?" You can just tell. It doesn't have anything to do with the lyrics, it doesn't have anything to do with operant conditioning, it merely has to do with an intuitive association of a sound with an emotion.

Isn't that odd? I suppose it could be taken as some weird evolutionary artifact of intelligence, but still it is strange that it manifests itself consistently across the gene pool. Also, human beings typically have the ability to produce only 1 tone at a time, so it is unlikely that the specific interval between notes - (and it has to be 3 notes to hear the difference between happy and sad, otherwise you don't have enough of a frame of reference to tell what key you're in) - was some kind of primitive communication method. Especially because not everybody can sing well enough to produce a reliable differentiation between notes.

That would leave us a society where a few talented arbiters worked in cooperation to send a harmonic message of distress or safety to the always detecting but not always producing population, and honestly, it seems far fetched that such a mechanism would develop when our voices aren't really all that well equipped for sending messages long distances.

In a similar but contrasting vein, it is absolutely mindboggling how math has a universal, precise, and very significant relation to the real world. I don't know how anybody can fail to be fascinated at the fact that Pi, the ratio of the circumference of a circle to the radius, gives us a number with so many non-repeating decimal points that our computers still haven't found the end. Isn't that astounding? Astronomers and scientists recognize these patterns as so unique, so fundamentally interesting, that they are considered the one thing we can count on any technological society to recognize, no matter how alien and different. Realizing these beautiful and fascinating anomalies in the universe is a simple eventual consequence of intelligence and civilization.

I guess my point is this: Math and music are closely tied to each other in terms of aptitude and brain development. And I would argue that they stand as two of the only fundamental universals known to man. Almost anything can be argued, but there is remarkable and undeniable consistency in these two specific areas, and I think it is significant that the most universal of subjects are so intrinsically related.

Greeley is Inevitable

As I've always thought, free will is little more than a persistent illusion. Turn, or keep going, it doesn't matter either way.

That is illogical

Why is it that emotions have such a profound impact on us?

My entire perspective on life can be changed by a little bit of food sometimes. I'll get cranky because I'm hungry, and I'll decide I hate my job and that I'm a failure at everything and that I have no friends. Then, I eat a cracker, and Life is Good.

Really, though, isn't that disturbing? We make massive, drastic decisions all the time, and occasionally a decision that seems totally logical and thought out at the time seems like a spurt of whimsy the next morning. Maybe self-awareness is an illusion or a construct like a kiddy steering wheel mounted to the back of the seat of reality so our subconscious can take the wheel and have some peace and quiet during our easy distraction.

Maybe the Vulcan way - total mastery of emotions - is the answer. How can I be sure of anything if my logic amounts to little more than rationalization of my moment-to-moment partiality? Seems like maybe the hedonist takes the easy (and probably more realistic and honest) route, while the rest of us our just kidding ourselves. I tend to take the indecision route - I'm not sure about anything, and maybe if I change my mind often enough I'll convince myself that I'm really steering this boondoggle.

Glasses are like bling for librarians

I broke my glasses right down the middle a little while back, but nerd that I am, I still couldn't bring myself to walk around with taped glasses on. It could be pretty sweet I guess, but I still felt like I needed to get some new, nice ones, at least for when I am around friends and loved ones that have to be seen with me.

I got some major cheapos at America's Best, two for $70 about, and that included an eye exam. Pretty much a steal. I got a copy of my prescription, too, so if I want to order online some time I can - seems that glasses are like everything else online - cheaper, if you can wait a little while and are willing to take a gamble by not trying it out first in meatspace.

Anyways, once I got them, I went for one of my regular library trips, and realized that I felt way more hip in the library when I was sporting my new specs. Pretty much every person that works there wears glasses, and I bet the ones who don't either conform or leave, due to that brutal librarian hazing I hear so much about.