Sometimes I just don't like myself

I'm not sure why, but sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling that I cause more damage than good in every situation I'm part of.

Sometimes I have an earnest desire to just live completely alone (like hermit in the woods alone) so I avoid all this tangled mess of connection and feelings.

It seems like the "battle between grace and pride" always leaves me feeling worthless, or looking down on someone else. Then, I realize what an asshat I was being, and again I feel like a worthless piece.

All paths lead towards self-loathing.

The odd thing is that for the first time in a long time I don't feel bad because I think I should. In fact, my guilt is completely non-ideological - it's a first for me. I don't have to work it up. I have to tread carefully here, or I'm going to get proud of myself for feeling genuinely guilty about something, and then start the crap-flinging cycle again.

Maybe this is the inevitable consequence of getting out of the hypocritical, self-reinforcing legalism I've been in. I pray with humility that I've stopped being "Christian" long enough to start being human again.

I'm glad I have no readership to falsely inflate my self-value. There's something so pleasant about typing into a void that is universally accessible but completely ignored.
It's like having a resounding "no" to your questions of "does anyone care?" You can confess to the world and keep a secret diary all in one. I'm shouting into a crowded street of people who don't give a damn.